


A Guide to Social Interaction: Written FOR the Neurodiverse BY the Neurodiverse

by J_Ace_Flicker



Category: Original Work
Genre: neurodivergence, social interaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:15:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25276021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Ace_Flicker/pseuds/J_Ace_Flicker
Summary: What it says on the tin
Kudos: 4





	A Guide to Social Interaction: Written FOR the Neurodiverse BY the Neurodiverse

There are, generally speaking, three things to keep in mind when interacting with new people:

  * **Keep It Casual**


  * Be Polite


  * Connect



  1. Keeping your tone casual implies a closeness that the other person will often subconsciously respond to and reciprocate. When I say “casual” I mean “comfortable”. It’s important that everyone involved feels comfortable-- the more comfortable someone is, the more they’ll want to talk. As long as you aren’t at anything you’d have to be overtly formal at, assuming a state of casualness will usually work in your favor!
  2. The terms _casual_ and _polite_ are not an oxymoron, despite what some have tried to tell me. Being polite fringes on respecting boundaries. You should be sure that you aren’t blocking the other person’s exits (especially if you are taller or if you are a man talking to a woman. Exits being blocked, even only accidentally, makes others feel claustrophobic and trapped.) Try not to be overly tactile when you first meet someone, and try to keep at least a few inches or even a few feet of distance between the two of you, if possible. Some people are very comfortable with touching strangers and being touched, and that’s great! But not everyone is, so don’t assume that they will be. As a rule, I try not to curse until I have heard the other person do so, although this isn’t a hard and fast rule. Basically, being polite is just showing care and respect for the other person.
  3. Connecting is the biggest one! It’s hard to start up a conversation and slogging through the impossibilities of social niceties and norms that you (read: I) don’t know is, well, impossible. I always try to find a point of connection. This is especially easy on internet forums and the like. If I notice someone commenting a lot on the poetry section in a discord (I am part of some very nerdy discords), then it’s safe to assume that asking the other person about poetry will spark a conversation. People love talking about the things that they like, so if you can find out any of their interests, it’s almost a surefire way to get talking! In person, things like graphic tees, patches, pins, and more can give hints as to what the person enjoys, which you can ask about. Sometimes, it’s easy and direct. You approach a girl in a band tee and ask her about the band or if she’s ever gone to a concert, and then she’ll rant about that. Other times, you’ll ask about the tee and get a laugh and something along the lines of “I just liked the design”. In the latter case, you cannot simply ply the other person with questions about their interests. For me, admitting that I’m awkward and wanted to talk after that usually sparks conversation. “Oh! Well, you looked cool and I thought you’d be neat to talk to. Sorry if this is awkward now, but I’d really like to know more about you, if that’s okay.” Earnesty is often the way to go! Just don’t go professing your undying love to strangers.



I like threes, so here is another string of threes that I keep in mind when talking to people I’m not that familiar with:   
1.) How can we connect? Do we share any similar hobbies or interests?

2.) What are they interested in?

3.) How can I make this person feel more comfortable around me?

Having the answer to one of these questions is usually good enough to get a conversation rolling.

Asking people to explain things usually gets them talking. A lot. So if you know someone’s into a specific anime, maybe ask them about it. “Hey, I was thinking about watching [x], could you tell me if it’s interesting/if it’s worthwhile/if the plot is good?” A hint for asking about any show or story: preface whether or not you’re okay with spoilers beforehand, because some people cannot stop once they start. (I am some people).

Ask questions. Often. If someone mentions liking art, ask “What kind/what medium?” You don’t have to bombard them or anything, but a few here and there go a long way.

**BODY LANGUAGE** is, unfortunately, very important. If you move too much you come off as distracted, move too little and you’re too focused and a creep. Neurotypicals are also easily disturbed by a lot of stimming, for some reason. Pretending To Be Neurotypical is The Most Exhausting Thing, Ever, but I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t tone myself down around them despite how exhausting it is. My stims are slowed down-- flappy hands become almost-elegant figure eights, clicking my teeth usually goes unnoticed if I don’t do it too much, and if I smile and talk in a certain tone my bounciness isn’t  _ rocking _ but  _ excitement _ . It’s really up to you how you present, if you want to Pull One Over on the neurotypicals or if you are going to be true to yourself and your stims.

I’m awful at reading body language, so I don’t have many helpful hints here. Try to refrain from crossing your arms, it’s a defensive gesture. Keep your body turned towards the speaker, if possible, it shows attentiveness even if your eyes aren’t able to keep fixed on the person. I tend to over-express to make things clearer-- I’ll tilt not just my head but my whole body when I’m questioning something, raising an eyebrow. You do not have to do that. Mimicking the other person’s body language occasionally usually produces positive results, as long as you aren’t doing it too obviously. 

So moving too much is a common problem amongst us neurodiverse. If you want to try to move a little less, perhaps get something like a fidget cube-- they really do help. Or try spreading it throughout your body; I tend to rock very harshly unless I’m also doing my figure-eight hands, so maybe play around with that and see if other stims might help. Of course, you can also just tell the other person that you move a lot. “Hey, I tend to bounce around and move a lot, but I’m not ignoring you! I’m really interested in what you have to say, actually c:”. I know that we are taught that we have to hide our differences, that we are, in some way,  _ wrong _ for not being able to act “normal”, but most people I have talked to have been very receptive of me saying things just like the suggestion above, even if I didn’t tell them exactly what “issue” I have that causes me to be so distractible.

Moving too little is something I am less familiar with. Usually, sitting down and doing things like nodding or trying to use my hands for emphasis when I am being “too still” works out.

Looking too little at someone’s eyes and looking too much is another issue. I look between eyebrows or at the start of the bridge of the nose to avoid eye contact, myself. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. I tend to try to look for at least a few seconds at a time, let’s say about seven for funsies, and look away when I’m thinking of something or when I’m moving on to something else. “Well *looks away* hmmmmmm” or “Yes, and you know  _ Brittany _ *hand wave and look away, then look back*”. Eye contact makes you seem very firm and very determined, and can be great emphasis for a point or even a joke. “Well, you know  _ Brittany _ *looks directly in eyes* she was always a liar.” “And then, get this, *looks in eyes* he scaled the effing giraffe!” Eye contact can vary greatly, and the only real advice I can offer you is telling the person beforehand that you tend to over stare or under stare.

  
  


**PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT** is the unfortunately true phrase. Social anxiety is a monolith to overcome, but we can do it bit by bit. For me, it was practicing initiating conversations by initiating when I knew a full conversation could not happen. I’d compliment whoever was walking by and that would be the end of it. I would like to state that this is  NOT  catcalling, nor is it even implying that catcalling is a thing that you should do. I’d compliment outfits, makeup, hairstyles, patches, projects people were holding, and things along those lines. I tried to focus on complimenting things that people could change, otherwise it might come across as catcalling and make the other person uncomfortable, which violates rule number 2 in socializing: be polite. The only exceptions I allowed were laughs and smiles. As I was doing this as I was passing people by on the way to class on a college campus, the most I got were “thank you”s, some reciprocation of a compliment, or flustered “Uh, thanks!”es. This built up my confidence enough to get the bravery to initiate a conversation. Initiating a conversation can be harrowing, but it ultimately boils down to a few seconds of intense spitefulness towards your anxiety. Yes, you are terrified, but how  **dare** Terror tell you what to do? You know what? You’re gonna go over and you’re gonna  **talk the socks off** of that person from work! And if Terror says no? Then Terror can go suck a toe! So you storm up. “Hi, I’m [name]. [friend] told me you liked [show]?” And you have done it!

If you’re worried about messing this up somehow, I want you to know that I have messed it up all the time. I still mess it up sometimes. I’ve gone up to people and said things like “I am Jace and you are cool OK good buh-bye now!” and skidaddled away. I have spent moments in excruciatingly awkward silence as I made a mist-step. And you know what? I’m okay. And those times have been worth it because initiating has made me some great friends! Like the one who inspired me to make this silly little tutorial. 

  
  


**I Am The Funny-Man** . This section is as much advice as it is warning. I used humor as a way of connecting with people. And, again, great! But it was mostly self-deprecating. Everyone likes a funny guy, and everyone likes the funny guy that won’t ever pick on them even more. And so I got into a habit, a bad one. I made jokes about hating myself and about my trauma, and I did it so often that now I can’t talk about anything really without putting myself down in a socially-acceptable way, and because it’s funny no one calls it out. So sure, use humor! But maybe try something like puns. Usually, you’ll get one (or sometimes more than one) of three reactions to a pun: a laugh, a return pun, or a groan. All three of these are pretty positive and can break the ice. If you know someone’s into morbid jokes, try your hand at a few of those if you’re comfy with it. If you’re in an advanced math or science class, pull out some science and math jokes! If you’re in a literature class, insult the Racist Dead Man (it does not matter which one when you have so many to choose from). Whatever humor you choose, don’t let it be humor that puts you or the people around you down. I found flirting funny, still do, which is disastrous but also harmless. So if any of you reading this are from or are in Tennessee, well, you’re the only Ten I See, babey ;;;)))

**Small Tips For More Professional Things:** It’s difficult to do so, but (at least in America) you HAVE to be firm with your doctors. There is no other way to do it. They have written off my bronchitis as allergies and, when I suddenly started twitching and stuttering, they did not even put that on my record and were surprised at my dabbing-motions and neck spasming. You must INSIST that ALL of your symptoms are transcribed, that it is on record that you said you had a problem and they disregarded it. You have to actively push your doctor to get a referral. It sucks and it’s awful but it’s IMPORTANT.

High school teachers are on a large spectrum of people, and I understand being nervous. However, as long as you are polite you should be fine (if your teacher is a decent person). If you have trouble with certain things, such as an audio processing issue or if you move a lot, you should try and tell your teacher. Have a parent or guardian contact your teacher if that’s possible. Being candid about it prevents the teacher from labeling you as a misbehaving student, as many of us unfortunately are.

College professors rock. They will love you. If you hyperfocus on their subject or have a special interest in it you will be adored. They like questions and have scheduled times when they are available and often encourage emails, because they are actually being paid and many of them love the subjects that they are teaching. If you are candid with them about any accommodations you might need or any odd behaviors you might have, then things should be fine. 

Jobs are awful and capitalism needs to die, but as needs must, right? Most jobs, especially minimum wage jobs, don’t really require a suit or anything. Your parents may try to tell you to call back to check in on the process after an interview, do not do that. They mark those potential employees down as “unable to follow directions” (because they tell you when they will contact you, if at all) and then your resume gets thrown out. I’m sad to say that we live in a world where you need an in to work at Walmart or McDonalds. For attire, you should wear semi-formal: as aforementioned, you don’t need a suit, but a nice button up and some nice jeans won’t be remiss. I usually wear a blazer, too, but that’s just because I am Extra. You should address your boss a bit more formally, with things like “Ma’am” and “Sir” and “Mrs. BossLady’sLastName”, but if they tell you to call them by their first name, do so, but also still call them ma’am and sir and be respectful. You need to be the right balance of “casual, approachable employee” and “respectful, hardworking employee”-- yet another stupid standard where you can’t really say what you mean and mean what you say, but that’s how it is.

**One Last Time, Just To Be Safe:** while unloading your feelings and experiences on strangers may be a bit much, if things come up naturally in a conversation and if your conversational partner has consented to hearing such things, then talk. Genuinely just try to be honest and earnest. If someone asks how you are and you’re not doing too hot but it’s not the time to talk about it, maybe admit “Hey, I could be better, but I could be worse.” or even just some disgruntled sound-- that one usually gets a laugh, which usually lifts up my mood a bit. We make all these stupid rules for talking, and maybe it’s okay with strangers, but you don’t have to be Aloof and Repressing Things 24/7, especially not around people you know or are close with. You are valued and your emotions and feelings are important. 

  
  


I hope this helps someone, it sure would have helped me when I was a kid c:


End file.
